Thinking out loud by writing

My old blog that I have painstakingly gone through and deleted every single last one of, was about my relationship with an ex of 4 years. Looking back, I really loved him but as much as he would tell me he loved me, I don’t think he ever did. I ended things when I found out about his 3 other girlfriends. I knew there was a girl that hated me for spending time with him but he told me that it was his roommate and she wanted him but he didn’t want her. Yes, I believed that! He let that slip when he was in need of help and I couldn’t be there for him about all the other women. He said he would have to call this person, this person, and that person and that maybe they would care more to help him since he had been spending more time with them lately anyhow. I balled my eyes out that day. My best friend could tell you how much. She’d probably start laughing and say Wow, she cried for weeks over a f’ing TURD!

After my son’s father being a cheater and quite a few boyfriends before that cheating, this really hit me hard as I thought he was different and would never do that. I had to break it off. No choice. I can’t handle that. It took me a long time to get over this guy too. I wished him a happy birthday every year for 3 years even though things were done between us way before then. Even dating someone new, he is who I thought about and wished I could be with. I started thinking about him today and wanted to tell you guys about him. I will call him Turd because that’s what he ended up being and that is what my BFF would call him.

He and I were really hot and heavy when we were around each other. Like couldn’t keep our hands (or feet) off each other. Even having dinner out was difficult for us. And he would take me out a lot too. Nice dinners, movies, clubs (usually the swinger club he likes to go to), and one time even a sex shop with a theater and rooms upstairs (which has since closed). We put a show on there one night upstairs when we thought we were alone and let me tell you, the men that were in there were definitely not watching the movie on the screen doing their thing! They all came out of their private rooms while we were in the middle of our thing.

He told me straight up honestly that he was a swinger. I don’t usually relate swingers with cheaters. Swingers have a mutual understanding with their partners and they do these things together. I am definitely NOT a swinger but enjoyed going to the club to dance with other people while he chatted with his friends. I should have known. I know this now. I ignored my friends telling me, ignored my gut feelings, I just wanted to be with Turd.

He never paid attention to other women when I was around, it was all about me. Other times when we weren’t around each other, I would text and he wouldn’t reply for hours. A lot of times I just told myself that he’s at work, he’s busy with his daughter, whatever excuse I could think of for his not replying. I wouldn’t text a lot, I know men don’t like a woman to keep bugging them if they don’t answer.

I look back at that entire relationship and remember the wonderful times we had (mostly sex but some very sweet moments and great conversations). He is a very smart man. He is really cute too. My BFF doesn’t agree – she doesn’t like skinny guys. 😀 He was everything I wanted. He had a job, his own place, a vehicle, a life of his own, cute, nice, funny, intellectual, interesting, etc.

I caught myself looking him up on Facebook. Turd hasn’t updated his profile in 3 years although he still posts periodically. No new pictures of him with his daughter who has to be at least 10 by now. I still wonder how he’s doing, if he’s still in Houston, does he still live in the same place. I know he totaled his car but have no idea what he replaced it with. When he got himself fired from his job, he went home to his parents for a while but that’s when I broke up with him and that was over 4 years ago now.

You may ask why I’m thinking about him. Why I’m talking about him. Why he even deserves a post on my blog. He is the man that taught me I am worth loving, I do not deserve to be cheated on, and if I really want it, I could have that kind of man again (the good parts, not the cheating). I haven’t found another but that at this moment living with my mother, is probably a good thing. I’m not even looking. It was this car that stopped in front of me a few times in 2 days that made me think of him. I called him my stalker this morning. Now I wonder if it was Turd. Wouldn’t that be interesting???

I’m not sure I told you guys about this. I was walking my dog when a car pulled into my neighborhood and stopped in front of me against the sidewalk. I ignored him and kept going thinking he was looking for an address. Then he pulls into a parking space in front of me after I walked by so I turn into the park and start walking away because I know he can’t be looking for me. He then pulled out of the space and sped out of the neighborhood. The next day walking my dog, this same car was on the main busy street by here and actually stopped on the road! I didn’t even look until somebody honked at him and he sped off. I thought I had a stalker! I was freaked out. Now I wonder. Especially since my mind started thinking about Turd. Everything happens for a reason, right?

Well, anyway, that’s what I’m thinking about tonight. Turd. Why did this man pop into my brain after all this time???

I stole this picture from his Facebook and blotted out the face. I actually took this picture at his pool in 2014.