I am realizing that I am turning 45 tomorrow. I don’t feel that old. Maybe I should just say I am turning 39.

I am depressed. I do not want to get out of bed. I have been thinking of what I can do to help my son not be so angry. He didn’t go to sleep until 8am this morning. Yesterday he was talking about breaking something of his grandmothers if she ever does anything like pouring out his syrup again (I can’t say I blame him – I had the same thoughts when I was young about how she does things). He also said if a certain fast food restaurant doesn’t make up for the fact that they wouldn’t make him what he wanted Saturday night, he would go off on them. Seriously, who cares? I know teens are angry and depressed (I know I was), but all this talk drives me insane! I am going so nuts thinking about it, I have been looking at military schools for him which makes me more depressed. He goes to therapy on Thursday. I think I am going to text his doctor and give him topics to discuss. I am not sure what else to do. I took his phone already. I have grounded him to only books for up to a month although that obviously didn’t do anything to change his attitude.

I never really talk about my depression. For the most part, I believe that it is just a part of my life that I have to put up with. That’s why I have been going out more, working out so much, and just trying to not think about it. It hit hard today though. My alarm went off at 5 because I wanted to go work for Lyft this morning. Next thing I know, it’s 7:30am. There goes that plan. So I haven’t gotten out of bed. It’s now almost 10.

My only client today canceled on me which is fine since I don’t really want to move. I am broke as hell, can’t even pay my bills (they’re not due for a couple weeks but I like to stay on top of them), and I am really not happy lately. My mother driving both of us nuts, my son’s anger issues, the fact that I’m turning 45, the overwhelming thoughts in my head. It’s just too much today.

My exercise yesterday consisted of jumping jacks while I watched Netflix. That’s it. I did 75 of them (mostly just arms and not really jumping) but still. That’s not really exercise. I will do my dumbbells today. I watch Netflix so I don’t have to think. Maybe I should have turned it on already today.

Sorry for the sad post today, I just don’t really want to talk to anyone or do anything. Maybe I’ll go back to sleep.

27 thoughts on “Today

  1. Thank you for sharing and being honest. When I see a post like that it helps me (and hopefully others) know we are not alone and this is happening to others. Good luck and I hope you are surrounding by people that want to listen and remind you they love you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Happy birthday tomorrow. I’ve got you by one year!
    My birthday was a hard one this year. In april. I just felt so old in my body yet so young in my heart.
    Your story has been quite inspirational to me.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I wish it weren’t! I wish it was like oh yay happy celebration like when I was 10! But I just kept reflecting on loss and ugh. I wish I could control that better and done a better job at reflecting on what I did have and being happy for those I do have in my life and yet I just felt sad.
        So I hear you

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Dats like these 😑
    Take a shower and relax with some Netflix or book.
    Sorry to hear about your son. I was angry and emotional as well as a child. Somehow that has changed into being someone quiet and polite. Im guessing the same will happen with him.
    If he didnt get wanted, there are plenty of opportunities to get that perfect burger. He has at least another 80 years 😅

    Liked by 1 person

  4. We all have those days..some, more then others, speaking for myself. Have you talked to your son about accepting Christ while on his trip? I had hoped, that would help, a bit.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I lost a really close friend two weeks after her 52nd birthday. I’ll reach 53 and she won’t and I’m grateful. It’s a number, not you! You’re way more than a mere number or label so own it! Look at the value you’ve got from that experience!!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Happy Birthday–whatever number you choose! It is your life, after all. 🙂

    Turning 30 and 40 (not at the same time) did not phase me, but turning 50? Oy. Granted, 2016 was a lousy year all around, but it was still painful.

    It is a bummer your mother is not more supportive, and that your teenager is, well, a teenager. That said, I would also be wicked pissed if someone purposely threw out something important to me.

    It is incredibly draining to have the entire burden fall on your shoulders, so It is not surprising you feel the way you do.

    And in that you are not alone. I do not have a formal diagnosis, but I do take a low-dose anti-depressant daily. The dosage may well increase over time, we shall see.

    Enjoy your Netflix.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Matt. Thanks. Being an only child and a single mom, I should be used to it but I’m not. I don’t take anything for the depression, I used to though. I didn’t like how they made me feel (I tried a few).
      I was pissed too but it was only syrup and I replaced it using her credit card!
      And thank you again. I had a long chat with my son and I think it will get better. Thank goodness I am going out of town for a weekend!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I suffer from depression as well and I am so sorry you’re going through this. Sometimes your depression is your mentality reminding you that you need some alone you time. I’ll be praying for you love. Hopefully this spell doesn’t last too long.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Happy birthday, Julie! It doesn’t matter what age you are. ♡ You are an amazing woman & I wish I could do something to help make you feel a little better. If you ever need anyone to talk to, you’ve got my number! I’m only one text away.

    Liked by 1 person

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