I am realizing that I am turning 45 tomorrow. I don’t feel that old. Maybe I should just say I am turning 39.
I am depressed. I do not want to get out of bed. I have been thinking of what I can do to help my son not be so angry. He didn’t go to sleep until 8am this morning. Yesterday he was talking about breaking something of his grandmothers if she ever does anything like pouring out his syrup again (I can’t say I blame him – I had the same thoughts when I was young about how she does things). He also said if a certain fast food restaurant doesn’t make up for the fact that they wouldn’t make him what he wanted Saturday night, he would go off on them. Seriously, who cares? I know teens are angry and depressed (I know I was), but all this talk drives me insane! I am going so nuts thinking about it, I have been looking at military schools for him which makes me more depressed. He goes to therapy on Thursday. I think I am going to text his doctor and give him topics to discuss. I am not sure what else to do. I took his phone already. I have grounded him to only books for up to a month although that obviously didn’t do anything to change his attitude.
I never really talk about my depression. For the most part, I believe that it is just a part of my life that I have to put up with. That’s why I have been going out more, working out so much, and just trying to not think about it. It hit hard today though. My alarm went off at 5 because I wanted to go work for Lyft this morning. Next thing I know, it’s 7:30am. There goes that plan. So I haven’t gotten out of bed. It’s now almost 10.
My only client today canceled on me which is fine since I don’t really want to move. I am broke as hell, can’t even pay my bills (they’re not due for a couple weeks but I like to stay on top of them), and I am really not happy lately. My mother driving both of us nuts, my son’s anger issues, the fact that I’m turning 45, the overwhelming thoughts in my head. It’s just too much today.
My exercise yesterday consisted of jumping jacks while I watched Netflix. That’s it. I did 75 of them (mostly just arms and not really jumping) but still. That’s not really exercise. I will do my dumbbells today. I watch Netflix so I don’t have to think. Maybe I should have turned it on already today.
Sorry for the sad post today, I just don’t really want to talk to anyone or do anything. Maybe I’ll go back to sleep.