Last night I was so down and really still am this morning. My son went to the mall yesterday and had a great afternoon with a couple of girl/friends (he says they are his sisters). I did not want to be at the house the whole time he was there so I drove back to the mall, parked, and read my book while I waited on him. I finished it last night and was just depressed. I was sitting there parked at the mall and all I could think about was I wanted a Twix. I didn’t care about carbs or anything else, I wanted a candy bar and some normal food. I thought about Luby’s cafeteria and how they have fried fish and then about some tacos with crunchy taco shells. Then about a juicy burger with the bun. I wanted carbs! All the carbs! I even told myself that one meal or candy bar won’t hurt me. That’s how bad I wanted these things.

We came back home and I had not gotten anything. I ate some of my homemade keto bbq chicken wings and 2 ounces of mild cheddar cheese. I was stuffed all night until bedtime. I don’t know where those thoughts came from. I am SO glad I didn’t just rush off and buy anything! I’m sure it’s PMS because I know I have cravings at that time of the month but seriously, a Twix? After all these months of not eating sugar? What is going on with me? Am I trying to self sabotage?

This morning I am still feeling depressed. I have one job today and it’s not until 2pm. I guess I could start the 7th book in the Dexter series, Dexter’s Final Cut. I could go for a walk out in the heat. I could do a lot of things but what am I doing? I am still in bed after 2 hours just wallowing. Do y’all have these kind of days?

I posted a bit on Instagram this morning trying to make myself see how far I’ve come and why I don’t eat those things anymore. I am doing whatever I can to remind myself how good I have been doing. Everyone else in the house is still asleep although Amber just woke up and wants me to pet her.

Wow. I just looked at my arm in the photo I just took of Amber and just WOW. Is my arm really that small?

So I will struggle through this day and not get off track (although I am still thinking about that damn fried fish from Luby’s). Y’all have a good day.

11 thoughts on “Struggling

  1. Julie, I seriously admire the amount of self-control you have. ❤ Stay strong!! I definitely have days where I just want to lay about & wallow. I hope you feel better when the morning comes! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The short answer is that EVERYBODY has those days–and it is our good fortune to be in one of the first generations to look closely at those feelings and not just “power through” them, which only makes things worse.

    I attempted suicide twice before I turned 18–and it turns out that I am absolutely terrible at it. So I stopped trying.

    I went into therapy both times, though it never really took. Then, for about five years after graduating from college, I self-medicated with alcohol. A long-term relationship (and resigning from an unproductive doctoral program) helped, but whatever I was medicating against still lurked below the surface.

    Flash forward 20 or so years to 2016. That August, my wife Nell finally convinced me to go back into therapy. Physically, I was in great shape, but I was not quite there emotionally. And I relented, admitting that I most likely suffered from a form of depression. Low doses of Effexor have done wonders–as has changing careers again and pursuing my exploratory, research-driven blog/memoir and film noir studies (I like being my own boss, even if my one-person firm has not yet made any income). But mostly, simply acknowledging that there is an issue–and being open about it–has made the most difference.

    We will have those “I don’t want to get out of bed” days. Accept them, then get out of bed the next day.

    Forgive and move on.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You make very good points. I have done therapy, taken pills, you name it. I found the same thing. Wallow for just a little bit, then get moving.
      The only thing that really makes me feel better is exercising. So I cannot WAIT to feel good enough to go out and do it!

      Liked by 1 person

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