Struggling

Last night I was so down and really still am this morning. My son went to the mall yesterday and had a great afternoon with a couple of girl/friends (he says they are his sisters). I did not want to be at the house the whole time he was there so I drove back to the mall, parked, and read my book while I waited on him. I finished it last night and was just depressed. I was sitting there parked at the mall and all I could think about was I wanted a Twix. I didn’t care about carbs or anything else, I wanted a candy bar and some normal food. I thought about Luby’s cafeteria and how they have fried fish and then about some tacos with crunchy taco shells. Then about a juicy burger with the bun. I wanted carbs! All the carbs! I even told myself that one meal or candy bar won’t hurt me. That’s how bad I wanted these things.

We came back home and I had not gotten anything. I ate some of my homemade keto bbq chicken wings and 2 ounces of mild cheddar cheese. I was stuffed all night until bedtime. I don’t know where those thoughts came from. I am SO glad I didn’t just rush off and buy anything! I’m sure it’s PMS because I know I have cravings at that time of the month but seriously, a Twix? After all these months of not eating sugar? What is going on with me? Am I trying to self sabotage?

This morning I am still feeling depressed. I have one job today and it’s not until 2pm. I guess I could start the 7th book in the Dexter series, Dexter’s Final Cut. I could go for a walk out in the heat. I could do a lot of things but what am I doing? I am still in bed after 2 hours just wallowing. Do y’all have these kind of days?

I posted a bit on Instagram this morning trying to make myself see how far I’ve come and why I don’t eat those things anymore. I am doing whatever I can to remind myself how good I have been doing. Everyone else in the house is still asleep although Amber just woke up and wants me to pet her.

Wow. I just looked at my arm in the photo I just took of Amber and just WOW. Is my arm really that small?

So I will struggle through this day and not get off track (although I am still thinking about that damn fried fish from Luby’s). Y’all have a good day.

I feel like I was in the kitchen all day!

Man I cooked. I screwed up, had to remake the donut glaze, but I cooked! I hope it’s enough for the week.

Chicken wings, YUM! How can you go wrong with an all spice recipe for wings?

The keto donuts. By themselves, not that great. With the glaze, oh boy! Even my son ate one and my kid doesn’t like any of this keto stuff! He liked the buttercream icing I made but didn’t like the keto cake so I told him he can’t have the icing without the cake so I ended up throwing out about half the cake after a week. I need to make things in size for just me, it’s just so hard!

Peanut butter chocolate chip cookie bars. Not very sweet although I should have known since I used dark chocolate chips. Very easy to make! I won’t have any problems eating these during the week.

Finally, our dinner for tonight. My mom likes her steak pretty bloody (gross to me) so I made hers first. Then I started on mine. It’s juicy and tasty. The asparagus (that I make all the damn time) came out limp so that upset me. Oh well. The cauliflower rice wasn’t half bad. I was so afraid all this time that it would just be nasty. I put salt, pepper, and butter on it and it was pretty good! I will definitely have more.

My friend never showed up. Too bad for her. She could have tried all these things! I started the 6th Dexter book while I waited for things in the oven. I also did laundry yesterday. I was a busy bee! When I went to the store for the few things I needed (my son added a few things and I found out I needed a few more spices), I came home with 6 cloth grocery bags full of food and drinks for $70! Thank goodness! It’s tough being broke and having to get food. I’m just glad I cook since that saves so much instead of going out all the time.

No jobs today. Not sure if I will drive for Lyft or just relax. I haven’t decided yet. I still need to wake up!

Y’all have a good Monday!

Sunday cook day

Hello all you lovely people! Today I am going to cook!

I have invited my friend and her 3 year old over this afternoon. She is starting keto and says she doesn’t know what to eat. She used to eat fruit constantly so this is a difficult transition for her.

Side note: As of yesterday, my appetite is back to normal. I am unsure why I was starving all day for 3 days but I had breakfast yesterday and was full until late in the afternoon! I’m so glad to be back to normal.

We are making a few things today.

1. Chicken winglets

2. Rib eye steak with riced cauliflower and asparagus.

3. Tacos

4. Keto donuts

Man I am looking forward to having a donut! I pray these come out tasting as good as a real one!

This one is from ruledme.com.

And last but not least: 5. Peanut butter chocolate chip cookie bars from ketoislife.com!

I think those will keep me happy for a few days! And all I have to get at the store is the asparagus and winglets. I have everything else already here. Woo hoo! I gave credit to the recipe makers on each picture so I hope you enjoy them or look them up for even more recipes!

My son kept me up until after 1am. So at 7:15 when my mother started her “prewash” right outside my bedroom door, I was NOT happy! My son wanted to go to church this morning but it started 2 minutes ago. I told him at 12:30am that I would not wake him up since he kept me up. I guess he slept through his alarm. He can go to the later service, no big deal.

I’m awake, I took some Advil as well as all of my vitamins, I got dressed, I walked the dog, I printed out my recipes, I am ready to go! Y’all have a great Sunday! Maybe I can talk my friend into making a YouTube video with me later while we let her toddler chase my mom’s cats. 😂

Whew!

Oh man! I was out the door after I posted earlier to work on the car. I called AAA and they came out and replaced the battery FOR FREE! I had no idea it was under warranty and I am SO glad it was! I then drove the car to the local gas station and the guy there checked all the fluids, the tires, and even cleaned the windows for $9.76. I gave him a $5 tip too. He was really nice! I then drove it to the dollar store and bought a “for sale” sign, a permanent marker, and some tape and put the sign on the car. I drove home and posted the car on Facebook marketplace, Instagram, and Nextdoor. Here is my ad. Tell me what you think!

I sent the info to about 10 friends as well so they can help spread the word. Even my sons psychologist said he would send it out. Yay! Now I’m playing the waiting game to see who will come buy it.

Happy Saturday!

Boy this should be an interesting day.

It’s 7am, I woke up at 5:20. Woo hoo! I wasn’t up at 3!!! I didn’t go to bed until 10:15 so maybe that’s why. I was trying to stay awake later so I wouldn’t be up so early and it helped!

Through the pain, I will be working on my dad’s old car today. I noticed a huge puddle of something under it, the tires are going flat, and the battery has been dead for a few months. I really want to sell it so I need to get it back how it was. I got offered $500 for it but according to Kelly Blue Book, it’s worth $1300 so $500? Uh, no!

My son has therapy today. I asked the doctor what time and he answered High Noon! A thought occurred to me this morning. I am so glad my son has someone he can talk to like I did when I was a teenager. I loved my meetings with Andi back then and I always felt I had someone on my side. Now my son has that with Dr. M.

I found a few funnies on that new app I told y’all about yesterday.

Last night, I went through my box of old pictures. I found so many of before I had my stomach surgery in 1998.

December 1997 in North Carolina with my Mom at the Biltmore House and GardensMe in front of Biltmore. This is the most shocking picture! My Cousin’s wedding in 1989Thanksgiving 1997Christmas work party 1997 – they couldn’t even hide me behind my friend! Christmas at my parents house in 1997Senior year of high school 1991This is after I lost my first 50 pounds after surgery. I thought I looked so good!Yep, this is me in 1996!My first wedding to John. Size 26 wedding dress. I was so embarrassed of the size, especially since I had my surgery 2 years before this happened!Me in Hawaii in 2002. My wedding to my sons father in 2005. Weight was 280. I had just had my son the month before.High school graduation party, 1991. My 21st Birthday party at a bar in 1994.

So I talked to my Mom and found out that I now weigh what I did as a 6th grader. As of today, I am 165. That’s a loss of .8 pounds this week. And here I thought I was going to gain!

I can’t begin to tell you how good I feel when I see how far I’ve come. I also can’t believe it took me over 30 years to be here. Really. In 6th grade, I was 11 years old. I was chunky at 160 pounds. At 45, I am finally back to 165. Why did I do that to myself? I remember always being on a diet growing up, cheating on said diet whenever possible, then saying screw it and eating what I wanted and kept gaining.

This is why I don’t tell my son he needs to diet. I give him healthy food options and have taught him to exercise. I noticed that he has stretch marks on his belly already so I am very nervous about his weight (he’s around 200 at 13). I don’t tell him that though! I am not my mother who was always saying I needed to lose weight! He is slowly learning. He has stopped eating candy and is eating what I cook again. He is learning not to drink his calories (I don’t put it that way to him – I tell him everything in moderation). I hope he learns from my mistakes. He saw the pictures of me and said “Mom, you were a fat ass!” 😂My reply? “Yes I was. Now I’m not. Learn from my mistakes.” Let’s hope he does!

2pm Friday

Yes, it’s 2pm here in Texas. Today is my ex husbands (my sons father) birthday. He is 38. Does he wish to spend the day with his kid? Nope! Does it surprise me? Nope! 🙄

I worked for Lyft from 5:20-8:30am today. I took a guy to the airport and he slept the whole way. Then I took a kid to football practice and then a stinky guy to his job. When I dropped him off, it was 8:07. I had to pick up Styled at 9:30 and I was clear across Houston!

I got on the tollway and was able to get near her place by 8:45. Lyft signed me out at 8:30 saying nobody needed a ride in the direction I was headed, umm, okay! I was thinking to myself that Half Price Books probably didn’t have The Outsiders by Stephen King and why should I go in when I have 4 more Dexter series books to read. I changed my mind and headed in. They had the book! So yay!

I got to finish the 4th book in the Dexter series while I waited for Styled to get her hair done. Now on to the 5th! I did not get my nails redone after her hair appointment, I didn’t want to pay the $10 when I am struggling with bills at the moment so I will do them myself. Styled got hers done. I took her for her groceries and got her home. I drove home and took my son to the bookstore and he’s still there.

I got all but one of my mom’s bills set up for autopay finally too. Go me! The gas company didn’t even make me verify anything, they just let me set it all up. All of the other companies, I had to have my mom with me. That’s okay. It’s done.

I am eating salad, vegetables, anything filling but am still hungry. I need to google about healing and hunger. Maybe there’s something to that.

Here is just one thing I found:

I found a new social media site for people trying to lose weight. It’s called Twinbody. I am of course juliehcares on it and it seems like it’s a motivational site where you can make friends with the same struggles. I like it so far.

Y’all have a great weekend!